It was not the first time I dreamt of you, nor the last time I believe. Last time we saw each other in real life was pre-covid, which feels remote and ancient to me. But the moment we lost connection, was long before that. I almost convince myself it happened at the singularity point of some black hole, and the implications are still unfolding.
I missed how I would naturally jump into you out of ecstasy. How you would be curious about finding out what I wear every day. Retrospectively thinking, maybe you are the reason why I started to pay attention to what I wear, even the inside layers. In the dream last night, you also gave me that look, it was not a male gaze, but purely out of curiosity.
The dreams were always set up in schools, the place we spent most of our time together. Perhaps my subconscious deliberately did the trick to avoid any grown-up context. We had grown up separately, then unavoidably, grew apart. I dont know if I should blame the adulthood, or the fact that people have to work. You gradually become the model child that every parent dreams to have, or to be fair, you always are.
Then what pushed us apart? I hated every choice you made, that you did a master’s in Beijing, you found a job in Beijing, you did an LLM in the US, all seems so different from what I will choose my life to be.
I dare not to think of you sober, think of how I lost you, how I dare not to write you for a quick update, dare not to visit you …
Everything seems so nostalgic in the dreams, that you teased me about my clothes choice, but would still buy me an ice cream after P.E. I feel I am still the younger one in the twin, and can always rely on the elder one.
But I had never relied on anyone ever after you.
bob in troop 
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